Monday, November 8, 2010

The Holy Rail....

75% of the railway infrastructure that exists today was built by the British dudes and it has been half a century since they left. Talk about rapid progress. In a research done to estimate the total delay in trains over a year, it was established that India proudly topped the list with around 2 years. India beat Japan by miles who had a measly 40 seconds to their credit. In your face Japs!

Railways has been a vital lifeline for the Indian Junta and the Indian train has been an integral part of my life. The diversity in a train is almost completely representative of the whole of India.

AC first class - The rich but complete fools who pay 2000 bucks for an overnight journey when flights cost ~3000.

AC 2 Tier/ AC 3 Tier: The regular upper middle class middle aged blokes who need a comfortable journey

Sleeper Class: The smart middle middle class who promptly book train tickets for the rest of their life in advance

General compartment - The "men" who hop on to just any train that would take them to their destination, Beggars, Dogs, Chickens, College students who forget to book tickets, cockroaches, hawkers, peanut men, puffed rice dudes, musicians who flap the wooden blocks for "Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana" song, which I regard as the National Railway anthem.

Another interesting addition to the general compartment is the strong agile man who "throws in the towel" . The Indian version of this phrase is ironically different from the western interpretation of "giving up". It means that a towel thrown into a moving train is a guaranteed seat. No disputes shall arise upon the sighting of a towel on a seat. If thou embarketh on to an empty compartment and see towels placed, thou shalln't covet those seats. This form of seat reservation can extend up to 6 with the presence of 1 kid and 1 towel who can represent the entire family.

Last but not the least,we have the eunuchs who can walk in and walk out of trains molesting men, women in that order without legally offending anyone.

The arrival of a eunuch on a train can be detected with the sound of clapping hands. A "decent" eunuch will talk to you and declare you a King(Raaja) and ask you for money. If you don't give it, he/she will simply say your wife will go to the dogs or worse, your dick will become like a toothpick. If you're the kind who is accustomed to verbal abuses you're fine. An "indecent" eunuch's middle name is determination. He/she shall fondly fondle your cheeks(not just the ones on your face) with their hands and threaten to pull up their skirts if you don't give money.

The toilets are clearly for people who meditate or swimmers who've practiced holding their breath. Certain trains like Rapthisagar express have toilets with inexplicable levels of stinking. Legend has it that a man named kakkaa kaaka once entered the toilet, did his business inside the Rapthisagar toilet holding a cover to collect the poop. Then he wanted to dispose it through the window and so he flung it. It accidentally hit the fan and contributed to Rapthisagar's eternal stench. Legend also has it that the westerners later borrowed this concept to frame the famous "Shit hits the fan" phrase.

The train door is the perfect canvas for budding artists pubists in India.The door also doubles as an advertising platform for pimps. Wonder if anyone dialed those numbers to ask "Hey what are you wearing?" in typical RP style.

All said and done, train journeys are fun and a typical train journey during college days used to consist of a wide range of activities between Madras and Vellore.

Lalu Prasad Yadav, arguably India's best Railway minister gave these lines before the start of his speech:

Sab kah rahe hain humne gazab kaam kiya hai,

Karoron ka munafa har ek shaam diya hai,

Phal salon yeh ab dega, paudha jo lagaya hai,

Sewa ka, samarpan ka, har farz nibhaya hai.


Monday, October 25, 2010

I hear ye ...

And as I always say, the only chick who calls me is the Airtel customer care woman. I try hard to make a conversation, in vain. I guess I gotta be genuinely passionate about ringtones and discount offers to strike a chord...


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Everybody yeah...Rock your body yeah

Get down, quit playin' games with yourself and come out of the closet...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Gym for glory

I finally hit the gym after a 1 year gap. The family pack has grown into a monstrous entity and almost seems to suggest male pregnancy. Time to tuck the bastard in.

Graphjam seems to be a lot of fun and I wanna dabble with it on my blog.

More comin up...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Remember remember...

I put down my bag in the traveler's dormitory and looked up at her…and I spoke..

Me: You know Yen, I always dreamed of traveling the world, just like you..Like when I….

Yen: You din't dream hard enough.

I didn't protest. They say it is better to shut up and let people assume you're a fool than open your mouth and confirm it. I was talking to someone who realized more than what one can dream of, someone who lives up to the spirit of traveling. I assumed she must have been used to common boring people telling her those same lines. But if you knew Yen, you'd actually understand how much she meant it. She had been dreaming all her life about seeing the world. And that's exactly what she did and has been doing.

And if I knew myself enough, I did dream a lot about traveling to the ends of the world, smoking the actual Cuban cigar, tasting the real French wine, riding my custom designed bike through coastal India and the list is endless. Literally fuckin endless. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't dream about lots of money, all I wanted to do was travel. As time brought it's lovely wisdom, I later realized that both money and a girlfriend(a rich one) would have facilitated some of my dreams. Anyways...

As I listened to her stories, all I could think of was one thing. What am I doing stuck in a cubicle? I can blame a few liabilities, which would include my Dad and a few other members in my family for being financially dependent on me, but that's not the point. I am painfully aware of the fact that middle class Indians, in general, are competitive, insecure and filled with excuses for not chasing their passions.

I stand at a point where I have 2 choices: Continue to work hard and dream that I will travel someday(yeah, that someday that may never come) or tell myself fuck it, and pack my bags..I would rather be a happy beggar than a rich sad 40 year old buggar., who has kids to take care of.

Cuz after all, it boils down to what matters most to you. You exist, you enjoy and you die. The soil microbes follow suit. Enjoying seems to be the only favorable part, so make the most of it.

I am itching to take a decision. But I would let this December dictate my destiny…
Remember remember,
the whole of this December…

Thursday, February 11, 2010

And the knob is starting to turn left...

You know you ain't as young as you think you are when

a) you no longer find people weird when they look at your forehead when they talk.

b) you don't mind the 1 decibel curses from people inside the elevator when you use it for going one floor down.

c) all the chicks you planned on chasing "someday" are getting married..and the reality hits you hard

d) you start using the lame phrase: "but I'm still young at heart" :P

e) kids refer to you as uncle

f) a 3 inch doesn't bother you anymore (Tummy, I meant)

and finally, but most importantly

g) you can't complete a post cuz you ran out of ideas.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. ~Jerry M. Wright