Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Machina



A wonderful trip coming to an end, I thought I must blog about Beijing as a city and its culture. From the day I knew I was going to Beijing till now, I have not looked up a single web page about the city or "what to do" or "where to go". The idea did pay off with every day coming as a surprise.

Cliched style but..You know you're in Beijing if..

(a) you wonder what couples do after going home. They seem to 'finish' everything on roads

(b) all you see on TV are Botox and Cupping Ads. The 'before' and 'after' are outrageous. Like a corporate boss throwing away the papers brought by a woman cuz she you know..and after the botox application, the boss keeps aside the papers and says "yayyy". Wtf, I mean wtf :)

(c) you see street music being appreciated with utmost passion anywhere in the city.
Just anybody can set up speakers ANYWHERE and perform. Sure to get an audience. the variety of unique instruments will just blow you away.











(d) food is repulsive to look at and smells like shit. Most of the food tastes good though. The Chinese are known to order more than what can be eaten. Restaurant tables are full of left overs all the time and Chinese accept the fact themselves.

The worst thing I had(surprisingly) was the eye of a fish. the damned thing is sooo hard and you need to chew it slowly. Tastes bad and unless you're trying too hard not to, you will puke.




(e) you find the women beautiful(PERIOD)

(f) you see people who like they are in a loo. But thats the way they sit. In bus stands, while playing Mahjong in the night and a lot of places. Mahjong is a gambling game and old folks play all night long and beat their wives if they lose dough.

(g) you hear the word "Neyygaa" a hundred times(EASILY..no exaggeration). A normal conversation would sound like aaa vignesh neyggaa somerset shru oo neygggaa chan tho loaa shing neygaaaa tsinghuaa nammen??

Me:Neygaaa Xie Xie la neyggaa ;)

(h) you watch people commuting in weird ways.

(i) Piggyback rides for small cute girls is a sight to watch
(ii)Kids on rollerblades racing with cars in traffic is cool. They get a lot of
oooh aaa wow form the girls.
(iii)People walk backwards. I have not found out why yet. Its goddamn funny.

(i) Men walk on roads half topless. The shirt is tucked up to the chest and reveal their tummies and their hands go round and round on the stomach. Worst thing to see but I mentioned cuz you will not get this kind of information anywhere on the internet. Its a trend here and even guys who wear branded stuff like Nike or Kappa do it all the time.

(j) People are very very very friendly and welcoming. They will watch you butcher their language and yet deliver a smile and try to understand what you're trying to say. That has been the best part of my trip. Random walks with random people having conversations that lasted 10 12 mins without understanding a word of what each other said.

Classic example was a cabbie who kept saying "Indo Indo and swaying his arms like a peacock" . I took a snap of his ID card cuz I was freaking out.




After 2 mins I realized he was referring to Bollywood dance and that his kid watches on TV. Hand signs galore.

(k) you wake up cuz its too sunny and bright and go back to sleep cuz the time is still 4 30 am. Day begins at 4 15 sometimes and ends to 7 30 pm. The Chinese here have short nights. Nature's remedy for birth control? Which reminds me. The public here welcome the 1 kid only rule. I wish India adopts something similar.

(l) you realize look much better than you thought :p College girls come and ask you out for Coffee, American women smile at you and what not. In India, I am not guaranteed a second look @ first place leave alone coffee or smiles :)

My trip is kinda made I guess[winks]

Cheers

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Don't give a rat's piam to this :)



The death toll continues to rise as I'm becoming braver by the day.

The casualty list is as follows:

a)Oysters

b)Clams(cooked alive)

c)Pork skin

d)Lamb skin

e)Duck's tongue (Imagine a serving tray gull of tongues!)

f)Rabbit's foot

g)Fried Eel

For (e) and (g) It felt just like how Karamchand felt , something moving, shouting, wriggling and dancing in my stomach :)

Since Domino's served a Chinese version of Pizza(Peee Saaaaan: jus kiddin :p ) I gave up hope on Western (customized) food.

I was expecting KFC grandpa assuming new avatars like





or probably some pirated version altogether like:






But KFC was a life saver :) With the exact same recipe and a Chinese girl announcing, much to my delight, that the bill is thatty fouuu fif tee(Exactly), I had nothing more to ask for :) Excepting that Russel needs to know I connect a lot to his jokes :p

Well, the title! Let me tell you something that requires reader discretion.

People in China have a strong belief that eating piams will enhance their sexual experience. What is a piam?

It literally translates to "animal's whip", whip being the slang for well...a penis.

Their logic goes this way. Wilder the animal, more precious is its piam and the better you feel while "doing it". They kill tigers and sell the piams, for it gets sold like hot pancakes. So domestic animals can feel safe :) Castration happens to "the wild" only! Complete removal, rather.

Talking on rats, there is another "game" sort of thing called the "3 screaming mice".
They put 3 new born rat babies(alive) on a plate with sauce. new born cuz they are considered to be cleaner.

The rat screams 1st when you poke it with a fork, 2nd time when dipped in sauce and 3rd when when you put in the mouth. Thats what they call 3 screaming mice. A delicacy! It should be 9 in all logically, but I was way too grossed out to ask for an explanation there.

A southern destination called GuanTong has their own way of having a feast. A live monkey is pushed from beneath a table with a small opening and suspended that way. The head is believed to give superficial powers. Boiling water is poured on their heads to clean the germs and a chisel/hammer is ued to break the head and its eaten alive while screaming.

No smart names for this. How about 1 sad-fucked-up-screaming monkey?

Shall update with another post on eating snakes and reptiles later. Sounded like a plan for the weekend :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Ping pong and blogger's gone



They shut down blogger for Chinese IPs and my post disappeared when I tried continuing at home.Now back at office

I have a weird feeling that the Chinese think I'm either a eunuch or a girl.
Cuz everytime I play ping pong with Sun Wei and 2 others walk in, he asks them,

"Doo yoo want to plaaai mixadubbles?"

Me:(wtf?!) Dude you mean doubles right? (With a smile assuring him that I know he is just kidding and he aint a jackass)

Sun: Weer already plaaain dubbles. Lets plaai mixadubbles naaow

Me:blank

I gave up.

Lunch was a futile effort at me trying to prove I can be really Chinese by tasting all their food. I put in whatever my colleagues took in their plates.

I think I put some national geographic shows to shame. I had

(a) Steaks (forgot which animal)
(b) Pork with Rice
(c) Clams. This is the best part. The fish inside was cooked alive with the opened shell. So we take some shells on our plate, eat the gooey stuff inside(with chopsticks) and collect those shells for hobby(naaa)

I think this brave effort paid off as 2 of them wanted to try Indian food for dinner. Took them to Ganges, a restaurant which would have shut down had it opened in Hyderabad. Very mediocre food, but making a lot of business here.

One question I was asked by a lady in the office:

Why do Indians not touch their food with the left hand?

Answers anyone?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Being a man. Doing the right thing.



Grabbed a Chinese newspaper at the Bangalore airport to understand the country better and its current affairs.

The events, crimes, rules and happenings are just way too different. Just amazes me as how people, just few hundred miles from our borders can be so different in everything they do.

Irate husbands trying to kill their wives seems to be a trend here. NRIs are kinda weird too I think. A Tam bram mom was putting her baby to sleep by singing naaka mukka.(In an era where Johnny still sings laaa laa laa laaaaa laaaaaaaaa ley :p )

Other news:

A local Govt. in Fujian awards 10 extra marks to students whose parents purchased a land in a certain area. They needed to boost the local property market! With heavy criticism they are planning to remove it now.

25 people burn to death on the main road inside a public bus. The driver could not open the door and 25 inside charred to death! And no one knows the cause yet.

And David Carradine was found dead in his apartment (in Thailand) with a rope tied to the fan. Researchers later found it was not suicide but a sex act found wrong. He was declared dead due to masturbation gone wrong!

Anyways, the air hostess in DragonAir got her first request for alcohol from yours truly and announced she has only eeeeeeegal.

Me: Whiskey? Brandy? What is it?

She:er..I donno. Its called eeeegal.

Me: Okay one glass eeeegal.

I was like wtf I have had Monitor and it can't be worse.

She brings a bottle of Chivas Reagal and pours it in a glass full of rocks! They call it Reaaaaaagal without the R!

No English at all here. My driver kept talking to me in Mandarin/Cantonese/Some Chinese lingo/ pointing to buildings and smiling. I kept returning the lame "smile+xie xie".






In a quest to taste at least 70% of the fauna here, I started with Chicken and Oysters with Rice. No comments on the taste though.





For now zzz ing in the nice apartment I am put up at.