Saturday, November 14, 2009

And the time stops

Well death completes life. Na? I am not really a person who gets shaken when people around me die under one condition. They were old and had their lives lived.
For old folks, death definitely completes life and that's the way to go. But otherwise...

I kid you not, here is a list of strange and unfortunate kicking of buckets that happened to people around me, not necessarily close to me.

Krishna uncle, 50ish, was walking in a residential street of Bangalore and a huuuuuge lorry(naa not a boring accident story) carrying LPG gas cylinders had its latch open at the back. One wicked cylinder popped out and fell straight on Krishna uncle. Yeah, he died.

A nameless relative from Pondicherry went mango picking on a tree inside his own house, so he could give the mangoes to his daughter. Slipped off a branch and yeah, he died, succumbing to head injuries. Can you imagine if the wife met a friend after a year or so and the friends surprised to see her widowed and goes on to ask "how did it happen??" and she replies: he went mango plucking and died.

Mom's colleague was talking to her husband over the phone. Suddenly, the man mumbles something and there is no sound from that end. They later discovered his dead body in his car (with the mobile phone in his hand) parked in T. Nagar, Chennai.
He died cuz the bubblegum he was chewing entered his breathing pipe(or whatever they call it) and he suffered an instant death. My doctor uncle tells me that a vacuum cleaner would have been the quickest way to pull the gum out. (I am not officially allowed to chew gum moms still paranoid) This story is obviously more lame naa? The widow would have had to answer a thousand phone calls and convince people he really died out of a bubblegum block.

For hard hearted folks, the stories above might have come across as a little funny but I don't think you're gonna enjoy this one.

In the BSNL office, Mount Road, a worker gets her baby to work. A co worker who was super excited on seeing the baby, held it up under its arms and flung it high in the air hoping to catch it, and entertain the baby....Well..

The baby hit the apparently low-ceiling fan and the blades struck the skull of the baby. The co worker was never seen again. He quit his job that day and probably left the city.

Well that's why they say: தத்துவமும் தோற்று போகும் இடம்..மரணம்

(Where even the best of philosophy or wisdom fails, is death)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Ass in the lions..oh wait




George Washington said, “An army of asses led by a lion is better than an army of lions led by an ass.”

What about an ass in the lion's hide?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

August the 15th



A Tout le monde,
A tous mes amis,
Je vous aime,
Je dois partir..


These are the last words,
I ll eva speak
Set me freeeeeeeeeeeeee





On this independence day, I take freedom beyond what is given to me.

Ssshhhhh,
Au revoir

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Everything is coming



Loud trucks,
noisy fucks


No not another poem...just that my blocked right ear is all opened up and everything around me is noisy

Secrets cease,
Deceased secrets.


For people who spoke stuff I shouldn't hear, well screw you all!

Ear drops,
Drop of decibels.

For everyone who realized this is consecutive crap,

happy hearing,
happy reading,
my ear is back,
two in a pack,
wish me another year,
of blogging nonsense.
everything is coming...
everything is coming...
everything is coming...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Nothing is coming...



Loud silence,
Silent noise...


No not another poem. Just that my hearing system is fucked up
and I cant hear anything right on my right ear!


Rightly screwed,
Screwed on the right...


For people who thought I was ignoring you, well you were probably
right and I gotta good excuse now :p


Deaf applause,
Applaud the deaf.


For people who think this is such a kickass way to talk about ear pain,


You're mistaken,
or worse,
you're probably a mistake


For all others who realized this whole post is gibberish,

You're right,
but I'm left,
with one ear only,
another year gone,
of blogging nonsense.
Nothing is coming...
Nothing is coming...
Nothing is coming...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Kun wei Tis

With Hellos at the tip of my tongue, a frozen jackass smile, an eagle eye view of the seemingly low humans around me and a parachute heart, I tried living the Chinese way for a month.

Perfecting "Ni hao maaa" qualifies you as 1% Chinese. The final syllable maaa triggers a graceful boomerang of words from the native tongue.

After the Hello, it is pretty much a gibberish exchange of sounds from each other made to appear "real" with the masked happy faces.

The dessert clearly is the "Xie Xie" promptly followed by the "Bu Kuchie". I realized that speaking in Chinese plus Gibberish is way more fulfilling and makes you think you had a meaningful conversation THAAAAAAN a Chinese trying to speak English!

The hutongs are shooting spots for short films/movies and tv commercials.

On spotting the first of those kind,

Me: Whats going on dude?

Chinaman: Its ass.

Me: er..ahem..okay..

Few steps later Chinaman tells me: In the hooo thoang, people shoot lots of ass.

Me: Exploding and imploding at the same time..after realizing he referred to ADS!

Time injected its glorious wisdom into me as I realized "excel shit" was not a slang for excellent shit but instead referred to Excel Sheet(You'll be fine Gates!)

A collector's edition of possible Chinese statements:

English: That can't be right
Chinese: Sum Teeng Woang

English: Who is the fugitive you're harboring?
Chinese: Hoo Yoo Hai Ding

English: Amaaazingggg
Chinese: Soo Paaah

English: Maintaining a low profile
Chinese: Lei ying Lo

English: Don't eat here
Chinese: No Mun Ching

Does not take rocket science to decipher the title as "Convey this", but not everyone visited Chaiiiiiii Naaah!

Zai Jian laaaaa :)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Machina



A wonderful trip coming to an end, I thought I must blog about Beijing as a city and its culture. From the day I knew I was going to Beijing till now, I have not looked up a single web page about the city or "what to do" or "where to go". The idea did pay off with every day coming as a surprise.

Cliched style but..You know you're in Beijing if..

(a) you wonder what couples do after going home. They seem to 'finish' everything on roads

(b) all you see on TV are Botox and Cupping Ads. The 'before' and 'after' are outrageous. Like a corporate boss throwing away the papers brought by a woman cuz she you know..and after the botox application, the boss keeps aside the papers and says "yayyy". Wtf, I mean wtf :)

(c) you see street music being appreciated with utmost passion anywhere in the city.
Just anybody can set up speakers ANYWHERE and perform. Sure to get an audience. the variety of unique instruments will just blow you away.











(d) food is repulsive to look at and smells like shit. Most of the food tastes good though. The Chinese are known to order more than what can be eaten. Restaurant tables are full of left overs all the time and Chinese accept the fact themselves.

The worst thing I had(surprisingly) was the eye of a fish. the damned thing is sooo hard and you need to chew it slowly. Tastes bad and unless you're trying too hard not to, you will puke.




(e) you find the women beautiful(PERIOD)

(f) you see people who like they are in a loo. But thats the way they sit. In bus stands, while playing Mahjong in the night and a lot of places. Mahjong is a gambling game and old folks play all night long and beat their wives if they lose dough.

(g) you hear the word "Neyygaa" a hundred times(EASILY..no exaggeration). A normal conversation would sound like aaa vignesh neyggaa somerset shru oo neygggaa chan tho loaa shing neygaaaa tsinghuaa nammen??

Me:Neygaaa Xie Xie la neyggaa ;)

(h) you watch people commuting in weird ways.

(i) Piggyback rides for small cute girls is a sight to watch
(ii)Kids on rollerblades racing with cars in traffic is cool. They get a lot of
oooh aaa wow form the girls.
(iii)People walk backwards. I have not found out why yet. Its goddamn funny.

(i) Men walk on roads half topless. The shirt is tucked up to the chest and reveal their tummies and their hands go round and round on the stomach. Worst thing to see but I mentioned cuz you will not get this kind of information anywhere on the internet. Its a trend here and even guys who wear branded stuff like Nike or Kappa do it all the time.

(j) People are very very very friendly and welcoming. They will watch you butcher their language and yet deliver a smile and try to understand what you're trying to say. That has been the best part of my trip. Random walks with random people having conversations that lasted 10 12 mins without understanding a word of what each other said.

Classic example was a cabbie who kept saying "Indo Indo and swaying his arms like a peacock" . I took a snap of his ID card cuz I was freaking out.




After 2 mins I realized he was referring to Bollywood dance and that his kid watches on TV. Hand signs galore.

(k) you wake up cuz its too sunny and bright and go back to sleep cuz the time is still 4 30 am. Day begins at 4 15 sometimes and ends to 7 30 pm. The Chinese here have short nights. Nature's remedy for birth control? Which reminds me. The public here welcome the 1 kid only rule. I wish India adopts something similar.

(l) you realize look much better than you thought :p College girls come and ask you out for Coffee, American women smile at you and what not. In India, I am not guaranteed a second look @ first place leave alone coffee or smiles :)

My trip is kinda made I guess[winks]

Cheers

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Don't give a rat's piam to this :)



The death toll continues to rise as I'm becoming braver by the day.

The casualty list is as follows:

a)Oysters

b)Clams(cooked alive)

c)Pork skin

d)Lamb skin

e)Duck's tongue (Imagine a serving tray gull of tongues!)

f)Rabbit's foot

g)Fried Eel

For (e) and (g) It felt just like how Karamchand felt , something moving, shouting, wriggling and dancing in my stomach :)

Since Domino's served a Chinese version of Pizza(Peee Saaaaan: jus kiddin :p ) I gave up hope on Western (customized) food.

I was expecting KFC grandpa assuming new avatars like





or probably some pirated version altogether like:






But KFC was a life saver :) With the exact same recipe and a Chinese girl announcing, much to my delight, that the bill is thatty fouuu fif tee(Exactly), I had nothing more to ask for :) Excepting that Russel needs to know I connect a lot to his jokes :p

Well, the title! Let me tell you something that requires reader discretion.

People in China have a strong belief that eating piams will enhance their sexual experience. What is a piam?

It literally translates to "animal's whip", whip being the slang for well...a penis.

Their logic goes this way. Wilder the animal, more precious is its piam and the better you feel while "doing it". They kill tigers and sell the piams, for it gets sold like hot pancakes. So domestic animals can feel safe :) Castration happens to "the wild" only! Complete removal, rather.

Talking on rats, there is another "game" sort of thing called the "3 screaming mice".
They put 3 new born rat babies(alive) on a plate with sauce. new born cuz they are considered to be cleaner.

The rat screams 1st when you poke it with a fork, 2nd time when dipped in sauce and 3rd when when you put in the mouth. Thats what they call 3 screaming mice. A delicacy! It should be 9 in all logically, but I was way too grossed out to ask for an explanation there.

A southern destination called GuanTong has their own way of having a feast. A live monkey is pushed from beneath a table with a small opening and suspended that way. The head is believed to give superficial powers. Boiling water is poured on their heads to clean the germs and a chisel/hammer is ued to break the head and its eaten alive while screaming.

No smart names for this. How about 1 sad-fucked-up-screaming monkey?

Shall update with another post on eating snakes and reptiles later. Sounded like a plan for the weekend :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Ping pong and blogger's gone



They shut down blogger for Chinese IPs and my post disappeared when I tried continuing at home.Now back at office

I have a weird feeling that the Chinese think I'm either a eunuch or a girl.
Cuz everytime I play ping pong with Sun Wei and 2 others walk in, he asks them,

"Doo yoo want to plaaai mixadubbles?"

Me:(wtf?!) Dude you mean doubles right? (With a smile assuring him that I know he is just kidding and he aint a jackass)

Sun: Weer already plaaain dubbles. Lets plaai mixadubbles naaow

Me:blank

I gave up.

Lunch was a futile effort at me trying to prove I can be really Chinese by tasting all their food. I put in whatever my colleagues took in their plates.

I think I put some national geographic shows to shame. I had

(a) Steaks (forgot which animal)
(b) Pork with Rice
(c) Clams. This is the best part. The fish inside was cooked alive with the opened shell. So we take some shells on our plate, eat the gooey stuff inside(with chopsticks) and collect those shells for hobby(naaa)

I think this brave effort paid off as 2 of them wanted to try Indian food for dinner. Took them to Ganges, a restaurant which would have shut down had it opened in Hyderabad. Very mediocre food, but making a lot of business here.

One question I was asked by a lady in the office:

Why do Indians not touch their food with the left hand?

Answers anyone?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Being a man. Doing the right thing.



Grabbed a Chinese newspaper at the Bangalore airport to understand the country better and its current affairs.

The events, crimes, rules and happenings are just way too different. Just amazes me as how people, just few hundred miles from our borders can be so different in everything they do.

Irate husbands trying to kill their wives seems to be a trend here. NRIs are kinda weird too I think. A Tam bram mom was putting her baby to sleep by singing naaka mukka.(In an era where Johnny still sings laaa laa laa laaaaa laaaaaaaaa ley :p )

Other news:

A local Govt. in Fujian awards 10 extra marks to students whose parents purchased a land in a certain area. They needed to boost the local property market! With heavy criticism they are planning to remove it now.

25 people burn to death on the main road inside a public bus. The driver could not open the door and 25 inside charred to death! And no one knows the cause yet.

And David Carradine was found dead in his apartment (in Thailand) with a rope tied to the fan. Researchers later found it was not suicide but a sex act found wrong. He was declared dead due to masturbation gone wrong!

Anyways, the air hostess in DragonAir got her first request for alcohol from yours truly and announced she has only eeeeeeegal.

Me: Whiskey? Brandy? What is it?

She:er..I donno. Its called eeeegal.

Me: Okay one glass eeeegal.

I was like wtf I have had Monitor and it can't be worse.

She brings a bottle of Chivas Reagal and pours it in a glass full of rocks! They call it Reaaaaaagal without the R!

No English at all here. My driver kept talking to me in Mandarin/Cantonese/Some Chinese lingo/ pointing to buildings and smiling. I kept returning the lame "smile+xie xie".






In a quest to taste at least 70% of the fauna here, I started with Chicken and Oysters with Rice. No comments on the taste though.





For now zzz ing in the nice apartment I am put up at.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Thup Sum Bong

Day 1:

With a lenient attitude of changing my imaginative perception on Bong women as people with bright big dots on faces and "jataang" lipstick, I arrived here in the Bong land today.

I appreciate my imagination. I was "bong" on target. Every bong is easily recognizable with women sporting this traffic red signal sort of lipstick. Probably to say stop, don't ;) Okay that was rhoshisth (Read racist)

The airport is much the same as Chennai Central with fleas hovering over when you use the loo. (Not kidding). Kolkata airport sure needs an overhaul.

With my broken Hindi, I approach the Taxi Stand and convey I need to go to IIM, Joka. This smart ass comes with a sheet and shows me "Zoka: 800 Rs." and tries to convince me it is the same as Joka.

Jokas apart, I wanted to verify with the official counter and I see Joka: 600 Rs. and this guy says "Oh Joka? teek hai teek hai sorry" and goes away.


So I'm here at the IIM campus after a funny lunch with sugar in every dish I ordered.
The campus is beautiful: Lots of greenery, a nice lake and a bad weather. This place is a bird sanctuary and at around 6 pm, thousands of birds are right on top of your head dropping crap. To try some probability:

If you studied in IIMC for 2 years, you must've got hit at least once.

Enough crap. More later.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Thousand and 1 yens



Trust not in God,
fall not in love,
believe not in prayer.
Wish not, desire not,
dream not...

For what matters,
are dead presidents.
It's the dead static ones,
that speak for you,
for me,
for the living.

It's the dough,
that kneads us.
A yen without a yen,
as good as impotent men.

Inches of paper,
wrap the globe.
Spin spin spin,
like a woman on gin.

Lit candles,
bring no romance.
It's the bundles.
For beauty lies,
in the hands,
of the shareholder.

Crave till the grave.
Till death,
tears man apart.




*Title crypt: Thousand(M) and 1 (ONE) yens(Y)...Money
Yens=Y,Money,Desire/Longing

Friday, February 20, 2009

Lazy blogger's scrape

Since I am busy hunting for a new place to stay, I decided to copy paste an amazing piece of write up. Don't want to call it poetry though. Read on...

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Mahatma Gandhi is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Because I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Mahatma Gandhi is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Because I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking
out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Because I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Mahatma Gandhi laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Mahatma Gandhi's photo & keep
it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Because I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I
will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile

Mahatma Gandhi is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Because I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Because Mahatma Gandhi never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Because I never take risk ... hic!

Cheeeeeeeeeeeers!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Caught in the web-Part 1



Traveling across Tamil Nadu for a week is a cake walk. But meeting 1000 new people everyday and teaching the 990 internet non-savvy people is a gargantuan task.
The remaining 10 people walked in for the Air Conditioned bus, treating it like a free mobile Internet Cafe.

The interesting times arrive when the Bus stops at a public location. Blokes from all walks of life throng the bus refusing to get down without a freebie!



A genuinely interested person-a rarity!

Some think the bus is for sale. Some think it's a fast food counter before they board it. But that's okay. One guy decided it was a fast food counter even after boarding I guess. He walks in with a half eaten banana, staring at the screens. He finishes the fruit and throws the peel on the floor(of the bus!). Upon hearing 2 people scream at him(including yours truly), he promptly picks up the peel and squeezes it in his pant pocket.

That was still way above the average hygiene of the bus junta. Imagine yourself explaining Internet to folks munching Paan in their mouths and their hands making repeated vertical and horizontal scratching movements with their hands at places you don't wanna know.

Just to give you a slight picture(no not going down there..staying up):

Shoaaa ("So" with Paan munching) Waaat is thiss indar nettu? I did miss my Google umbrella then :)

One guy with hair all over(his face) beckoned me to come near him. He whispered a secret:" Psst...I am researching on unearthing a lost idol of "Baadhaala Bhairavi Amman" Please find it on indar nettu for me"

Then comes a guy with a face on his mustache (words interchanged for the right reasons) He was the DSP of Salem and he wanted info on Anti Corruption and catching criminals with the help of Internet.

A lot of people stared from outside the bus and refused to enter the Bus till we assured them that entry is absolutely free!

School kids had 2 very unique classifications. Boys and Girls. When girls boarded the bus, they came in a line, quiet walked in, saw the screens and walked out.




Boys start pushing each other from 10 meters away abusing each other. "Yaaai indar nett bussu daaa" blaah blaah ..jump inside the bus pulling headphones and almost breaking the equipment inside. Lost a few calories grazing that bunch of kids :)

I have no pic since I was busy controlling the boys' Q
A smart person's attempt at making full use of the Internet bus went bust as the mobile phone(on display) he tried to flinch started beeping. He fled the scene of course :)

Security check-in call forces me to add an hyphen and title this post as Part-1. Over and out from Coimbatore airport. More later of course.